I did it!

Part of the reason I stayed away from theatre and music jobs for so long is that before kids, I was all in. I enjoyed being really busy.  I worked as a receptionist in a salon about 20 hours a week, taught lessons about 16 hours a week, auditioned for shows and commercials when they came up,  and did theatre as much as possible in the evenings.  I didn't want my life to be that busy while also being a mom and wife.

Oops.

I went back to work this semester and quickly became busier than I've ever been.  I remember sitting in our rocker-glider (why does everyone get rid of those after their babies are no longer babies?  They are so comfortable.) and with tears in my eyes, told Brian I was worried because I had definitely taken on too much.  He asked, "What can you do about it?"  I said, "Nothing."  And he said, "Well, there you go.  You just have to do it."  He was likely thinking, "welcome to my life." Thanks for not saying that out loud, honey.  I went about my list of projects by just tackling one at a time.  I had a mental time-line about what to prepare for first and how much time to allow.

My to-do from January until yesterday was this:

*Accompany 12 students at weekly lessons
*Teach private lessons on Wednesdays and Thursdays
*Learn the score to Chicago to prepare as musical director
*Hold two days of auditions, also audition myself
*Get cast as Roxie. (bucket list - check)
*Attend 3 1/2 hour rehearsals five nights a week for 7 weeks plus weekly production meetings
*Play a studio recital
*Organize and prepare a Broadway songs concert with 14 singers.  Accompany 26 songs and sing 2
*Learn to play 132 pages of the Piano 1 part for Carmina Burana and perform at the Kauffman Center in Kansas City
*get new headshots taken
*Conduct my first orchestra pit rehearsal
*Nail 9 performances of Chicago. Belt several As. (bucket list - check)
*Play for Flint Hills Children's Choir concert - complete with tornado warning
*Play for 9 student voice juries
*Play for 2 musical theatre recitals
*Organize and prepare studio recital for my students

DONE!
I could never have done this without such a supportive husband. He never, ever complained about all my time away from home.  And thank God for our great babysitters. This all happened during the start to baseball season which is pretty insane.  Thank goodness for friends who happily picked up Jack and Andrew and got them to practices and home again.  Also, thank you to Goodcents Subs for delivering to our end of town....at least once a week. : )

Jen Hatmaker says that when someone asks her to do something, if the answer isn't "hell yeah!" then the answer is "no."  That's a good strategy.  There's not much on that list I'd get rid of though.  I'm learning about balance but also that it's ok to push myself too.  I'm grateful for all the opportunities so far this year.  And now I'm looking forward to a month of watching the boys play baseball and preparing for California.

Razzle Dazzle 'em

Well, look at that.  Six weeks gone since I last posted.  I haven't really had a moment to come up for air, to tell you the truth.  In that period, I'm proud to say I made my Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts debut at the piano.  I accompanied the K-State choirs as they performed Carmina Burana with the Kansas City Ballet.  It was a big undertaking.  I probably would have backed out if I'd known how much practice room time it was going to mean for me.  I'm relieved I didn't know because I'm really glad I did this.  It was stressful and scary and exhilarating and I'd do it again! It's always a treat to work the K-State music department.  They are full of talent, professionalism, gratitude, heart, and fun.  Have I mentioned that I love my job?

And we're now finished with our second weekend of performances of Chicago.  I am really proud of this show.  It took a lot of work, but it came together so smoothly.  I'd never felt so ready to open a show - from all angles of production. We were all prepared and ready.  We were blessed with such a dedicated and talented cast. Wow!  And the audiences are loving it which is always a thrill.  This is absolutely the most fun I've ever had with a role.  Roxie is sassy and foul mouthed and sexy and manipulative and mean and I LOVE HER.  The monologue before the song "Roxie" is my favorite stage moment of all time.  Not to mention dancing Hot Honey Rag every night.  What a dream.  I could do this show for a long, long time.  We have one more weekend of performances which is heart breaking but we won't go there yet.  I'm going to enjoy being Roxie for another week.  

(Some pics from our newspaper)

During Funny Honey

My Own Best Friend

Action shot: Roxie

I've got an expressive face.  Was this really the best expression to capture???

Sit down, dummy

"Sit down, dummy" is a line Billy Flynn says to Roxie in Chicago right before they start my favorite part of the show - They Both Reached For The Gun.

My theme for 2015 was "courage".  I did brave things, made bold decisions. It was scary - but I did it. So this year, it's time for fear to take a seat so I can enjoy that hard work.  I love what Elizabeth Gilbert says about fear.

Then today she posted this follow-up to her first fear post.  An art teacher made this chair for her art class: 

And sister Liz had this brilliance to add:

FEAR SITS HERE

Dear Ones -

A friend of this page named Charlotte Murphy sent me this photo the other day. She teaches art to fifth graders (first of all, GOD BLESS YOU FOR TEACHING ART TO FIFTH GRADERS, CHARLOTTE) and she has found that already, many of them are too locked-down by fear to be creative. (It starts so early, you guys. It starts so early.)

So, recently, she read them the section of BIG MAGIC where I talk about how fear is allowed to have a seat in the car, when we are being creative, but it's not allowed to drive.

The kids came up with the inspired idea that the art classroom should have a FEAR CHAIR, where fear will be allowed to sit —but not allowed to control everyone's creative process. Each child wrote their fears on the chair, just to get them out. (Please note, if you look closely, the fears range from "tests" to "football"...I love this so much.)

When it's time to create, the kids now understand that they have to send their fear to sit in the FEAR CHAIR...and then they can get back to work.

Notice that the kids don't try to banish their fear (because we all know that's impossible; fear always acts up and throws temper tantrums when we try to banish it) but they bravely give their fear a name, and then give their fear a nice, pretty, respectful chair to sit in. They acknowledge that fear will always be in the room...and then they get back to the business of making things, anyway.

It's such a beautiful idea, and I was so moved by this — by the handmade ritual (all my favorite rituals are handmade) of literally giving fear a seat, but not allowing it to take command.

Just wonderful, Charlotte — and so inspiring! Tell your students that I think they're geniuses, and that soon I'll be making my own FEAR CHAIR, which I will put in a prominent corner of my own writing room, where I can keep a close eye on it. I want my old familiar friend fear to know that I respect its right to be part of my life...but that it must keep its butt placed firmly RIGHT THERE.

In the corner.

And not one inch closer.

- LG

Isn't that great?  So whatever it is you're trying to do, be, make....maybe you're learning to belt notes you didn't know you could belt....show your fear the chair.  In the corner.  And not one inch closer.

Sit down, dummy.

Wait....I'm gonna be how old?

I've got a milestone birthday coming up this year.  On August 24th I am going to be.....sigh....40.

I'm having this complex, mixed-up, bi-polar reaction to turning 40.  On the one hand, I appreciate the things I have kind of figured out.  I can appreciate the wisdom that my years have given me.  I have some perspective when it comes to what really matters.  I can more clearly see the big picture.  On the other hand, I'm really excited about this career I'm making for myself and I feel like it's happening kind of late in the game.  Or rather, the part two of my career is coming late.  I fully realize that this is ok but I'm just wrestling with some feelings of regret.  I had a tearful conversation with Brian late one night not too long ago about what it means to forgive yourself for the things you couldn't figure out in the timeline you'd hoped and how to let go of the dreams you had to make room for the new version. This is the blessing and the curse of being so emotionally self-aware.  Sometimes I envy the people who can just go with the flow and not over-think everything.  I seem to have to do a decent amount of processing first.

I came across this blog post recently and it was comforting.  Creative people often travel a path with lots of turns and bends.  It's fun and energizing but not exactly stable.  It reminds me of the way I describe my hair.  I refer to my hair as unruly.  I feel like people with straight hair look put together, smooth, calm.  My curls have a mind of their own.  Sometimes they are fun, sometimes pretty, sometimes frizzy, and sometimes a total mess. Sounds like a typical week in the life of me. Anyway, this author wrote about the art of getting your shit together - something I've often wondered when I will achieve. I like her thoughts.

"I am realizing that, contrary to what I assumed when I was 19 and trying to get my shit together, there is no specific life benchmark at which point my shit will magically coalesce. Not adulthood, motherhood, not marriage, no job, no relationship will mean my shit is officially united... I've attained all those things and I'm still stumbling around like a toddler learning to walk. 

Thing is, there will always be something. Life is a continual struggle to get our shit together and then we die - shit decidedly not together. That is to say that shit: it never really gets together so chill out and enjoy the goddamn journey already because in a blink we'll all be dead. Put that in a meme and Facebook it."
http://thegirlwho.net/journal/shit-it-never-gets-together.html

My friend Amy says that all hell is gonna break loose when she turns 40.  In a good way.  I'm trying to embrace that mentality. To be proud of my previous 39 years and know that life is only getting better.

Dear Diary

I gave up on this blog for a while.  Life has been a whirlwind of busy and complicated for the past year. Things were just crappy for a while too. Losing a parent rocks a family to its core and the loss of Brian's dad is teaching everyone about grief and life after such a significant loss.  Everything I read about grief compares it to waves and I've noticed that to be very true.  And thank God, because if it wasn't in waves we'd all certainly drown. Thank God for the moments of light that allow everyone to catch their breath - inhale and exhale almost normally for a minute/hour/day.  Brian's family is very good at a lot of things but one thing they excel at is gratitude.  They are always able to find something to appreciate and smile about and they all still laugh a lot.  Mike would be sad if they lost that.  They honor him by keeping that light in their hearts. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but they are handling it with a beautiful grace.

In the midst of losing Mike,  I went back to theatre.  I'd been feeling pretty aimless, and frankly, empty for a while.  I don't want my kids to ever read this and think staying home with them left me feeling empty.  I'm so grateful we were able to do that for them.  But there was no denying that my passion and creative side was in need of attention in order for me to be a happy person. Doing that show lit a fire in me that I'd needed.  I made some pretty bold decisions after that experience.  K-State had been asking me for several years to come work there as an accompanist for voice students.  We decided to get a nanny for Dillon two afternoons a week so I can do this work.  I call it my "happy place."  Being in a university music building is exhilarating.  The sounds of constant teaching and practicing is a beautiful thing. The energy of music students is fantastic and the talent is just really fun to be around. Not to mention that I'm getting paid to observe top notch voice lessons two days a week.

Now let me introduce you to Amy.  I met Amy in 2000 when we worked at the Barn Theatre together in Michigan. We were friends the second she walked in the door and asked me if I could help her get her camera fixed.  My friendship with Amy is one of my most valuable.  We have shared so many laughs, several trips to New York (to see her on Broadway), she and her husband traveled to Minnesota to meet Jackson when he was born, Jack and I were in her wedding, she has been here to visit us in Manhattan.  One of the best things about our friendship though is our deep (no such thing as an "over-share" with us) conversations about theatre,  the joy and complications of being artists, and how to live true lives and better the world while pursuing careers in the arts as mentally and physically healthy human beings.  I wasn't kidding when I said these conversations are deep.  When I met Amy 16 years ago, she began talking about her desire to build a theatre that honored all these values.  Long story short - she did it. There was never a doubt in my mind that she would. Transcendence Theatre Company in Sonoma, CA was born about 8 years ago and has quickly made a big name for itself thanks to Amy's vision, determination, devotion to her core values and ability to attract first rate talent.  She was named one of San Francisco's 40 Under 40 in 2014.  She is a mover and a shaker and I'm immensely proud.

Transcendence Theatre Co was born while I was becoming a mom.  The more I heard about the company, the more I knew I was meant to someday be a part of it.  I actually felt like I already was.  For the past two years, it's felt like I was missing out on this incredible thing I was meant to do but it seemed just impossible that it could ever happen.  I had a hard time leaving Dillon for an afternoon.  How on earth could I ever leave for a few weeks?  And who was I kidding?  I'd been out of theatre for years.  Was I even good at it anymore?

Then I did Shrek and I worked with someone who, without meaning to, reminded me that I was still good at this and there was still a deserved place for me.  And doing that show felt like coming home.  I was me again.  I knew it was time to consider auditioning for TTC.

With the support of my amazing husband, I put together an audition and application. That application was no joke.  It was like applying to college.  It required hours of soul searching and writing.  Not just anyone gets to work at TTC.  You have to have a clear understanding and appreciation of their mission and core values in addition to talent.  Nervously, I submitted my audition and spent several weeks doubting every word and note. This is a company that employs Broadway actors.  What were my chances?  Well, about a month ago I did a Skype interview with several TTC team members which left me feeling like I was born to work with these people.  I am happy to report that last week I signed a contract with Transcendence Theatre Company.  I'm so honored and thrilled and a little stunned that it happened.  I will be spending 4 weeks with them this summer on the education team (helping lead the Broadway camp) and performing in one of the Broadway Concert Series shows after the camp.  It is a perfect fit for me.  I will get to perform but also work with the ages I have been teaching/coaching for 15 years. And did I mention it's in Sonoma?

I told Jackson and Andrew about it this week.  There were a lot of tears from them.  I have been drowning in guilt since then and I'm really stuck.  I want someone to tell me exactly how this is all going to go but that's not possible.  It occurred to me this afternoon that it might be time to write about this to help see things more clearly.  It's already helping.  So, in my limited free time, I'm going to be writing again.  I feel like this is a process I will want to remember and it might be helpful to other moms.  I posted about the news on Facebook on Wednesday.  Every person who replied with congratulations was like a knife the my heart.  They said "congratulations" but I read "you are a selfish, neglectful mother."  I know it's not what anyone meant but I've got some things to work out in my heart and mind.  Then one person wrote, "You are about to embark on a great adventure."  That has been my mantra.  One is never too old for a great adventure.

Here we go.....

Be Royal

Since the boys started playing baseball I've been surprised by how much I enjoy the sport.  We've had fun becoming Kansas City Royals fans so after they won the World Series this year, we decided to join 800,000 other fans and attend the parade and rally.  After all is said and done, we are glad we did it but woah - that was intense.  800,000 people is a lot....especially in a rather small area.  And we took two other kids with us!  Dillon was a rock star (thank the lord!) and the kids all did really well with all the walking and people.  It was exciting to be there and we'll always remember doing it....but it's probably a once in a lifetime effort. Here are our pics....in completely random order because I'm a super fancy blogger.

We're off!

He fell asleep on the 2 mile walk back to our van.

I took this off of FB.  A cool shot of the sea of blue fans. 

Starting the hike back to the van.

None of my parade pictures turned out (Andrew took them and they are all completely blurry) so here's a few from the internet. Manager, Ned Yost.

The Hoz.

The crowd waiting for the rally to start in front of Union Station.  

My favorite and series MVP, Salvador Perez.

So, leaving the parking lot was a total nightmare.  There were no traffic controllers and no one would let anyone from the lots into the flow of traffic.  We sat in one spot in the parking lot for an hour.  I was getting more than a little panicked that we'd be there until after dark.  Some brave soul decided to forge their own path and after quite a few cars followed suit, we did too.  It was a little frightening - it wasn't always an actual road and we were very close to train tracks for a bit - but we got out of there in about 10 minutes and onto I-70 and out of town! 

The kids showing that they'd had about enough.

The view of Union Station behind us.  

This is where the rally was held.

Family pic in blue....and a K-State hat.

My neck still hurts.  A lot.

Look at that crowd. 

Before the masses filled in all the grassy areas.

They'd been warned about the large crowds and were nervous at first.  It lasted about five minutes and then they were fine.....and *I* became the nervous one.  I'd given them my cell phone number to put in their socks in case we got separated.  I told them to find a mom and call me.  Except that there were so many people there that there was no cell service.  I was terrified I'd lose one of them.  I don't think I relaxed until we were back on I-70.

They'll always remember this day.

Nut jobs.  They were real troopers when I told them we weren't taking the shuttle from the parking lot to the parade.  The wait was 2 1/2 hours.  It was all a part of the adventure.  Dillon loved walking so close to the cars.  (insert nervous laughter)

It was a gorgeous day - 70 and sunny.

I worried Dillon would hate every minute of this but thanks to friends for loaning us their heavy-duty carrier, he was up high and close to me and was a happy camper all day.  That carrier was a life-saver!

We did it!  Happy to be home with everyone safe and sound.  It's worth noting that Royals fans know how to behave.  There were over 800,000 people there and only three arrests were made for "very minor incidents."  There was a meme on facebook that said, "We don't tear our city up.  We shut it down."  It was great.  I was nervous about the kids but the energy was great - people were happy and having fun.  There's weren't nearly enough bathrooms and no food/water (they anticipated about 200,000 people showing up for this!) but no one (except Jackson) seemed to care.  

These pics were taken the day after the Royals won the series.  Lots of fans in 4th grade! 

Three Things

I've started a new post about 5 times over the past two months but I never finished one, or even got much more than a few sentences on the page. So I'm gonna pretend that it hasn't been an emotional and really difficult time the past several months and dive into easy kid stuff.  Maybe I'll come back to the hard stuff another time. I'm borrowing this Three Things idea from a blog I read today.

Jackson

1. He finished up an undefeated flag football season with Brian as his head coach.  He had a lot of fun this season - a big improvement from last year.  We've got a couple years of flag football left and then he says his football days are over.  He has no interest in tackle football and I am more than fine with that.  Let's keep those brains and bodies intact. 

2. His basketball season started today with their first game coming up quickly in 10 days.  I love his basketball team and I love watching them play.  They are a great group of boys and parents and coaches.  We are so grateful.  I bought Jackson new basketball shoes last December and then again in May for basketball camps because he'd outgrown the December pair. Those summer shoes are now two sizes too small and I just bought him a pair that are a men's size 8.  (That's a women's 9 1/2 for reference.) Jack's feet have grown so fast that he's been dealing with pretty severe heel pain for the past year.  It's important to get him good, supportive shoes which means expensive shoes that he outgrows quickly. 

3. Jack definitely has a specific taste in music.  I'm not sure how to describe what that is but it's safe to assume that if they play it before a K-State football or basketball game, it's on his iPod.  He is spending more and more time in his room listening to music. Teenage angst is just around the corner, isn't it?  Sigh. It's fun to watch him with his friends right now.  They are still young enough to think everything is funny.  Lots of energy.

Andrew

1. This one, I'm afraid, might be all aboard the football train. He loved every second of flag football and he's begging to play tackle football next year. No.  No way. He'll also be playing basketball but not quite as intensely as Jackson.

2. Andrew is definitely developing his own interests, often influenced by his good friend, Maddox. These interests aren't necessarily things he's ever done, but he loves to talk about them with enthusiasm and feigned expertise.  Hobbies of the moment include bow hunting, building things out of wood in his own shop, skateboarding, and snow sports.

3. Aunt Angela will be proud that Maddox has also turned Andrew into a country music lover.  Luke Bryan is their favorite, specifically the song "Kick the Dust Up." 

Dillon

First of all, let's take a moment and appreciate this school picture.  I mean....

I knew he was going to hate this so I was sure to order a small package of pictures for posterity. His teacher is crouching down next to him and holding his hand. Jack and Andrew said, "What?  This is his picture?  This is going to be in the yearbook! NO ONE cries in the yearbook!" I assured them that NO ONE looks at preschool pictures in the yearbook and that it would all be okay.

1. Despite the trauma of school picture day, Dillon adores going to school. He's so happy to go every day and is so happy when I pick him up. He does great while he's there as long as he follows a normal routine.  It's hard for him when things change but he's working on it.  His teachers are so good.  He goes to speech twice a week and it's really improving. He's a feisty 3 year old and is fond of saying NO. We encourage him to say "No, thank you" which he's picked up on quickly.  However, he says, "no, THANK you" with a tone that implies he might bite you if you don't leave him alone or do what he wants. Ahhhh, three.  It's a special time.

2. While he continues to love playing with his magnet toys, he started playing with legos recently.  Or as he says, "yegos."  He epecially loves "the tinys" (tiny pieces). He's obsessed with Paw Patrol and Blaze and the Monster Machines. He likes to cast his friends and family as characters in Paw Patrol - a task I fully understand and appreciate. And you can often see him running around with one arm extended as he yells, "Weee-eeeet's bwaze!" (Let's blaze)

3. Dillon had an appointment in Kansas City last week.  He is growing so well. His weight gain isn't much but he's getting so tall.  I had a goal of having a less hysterical appointment this time around.  We spent a lot of time talking about it the day before and the morning of and I told his vitals nurse that we were trying to stay calm and she went so slow with him.  It really helped.  He stayed relatively calm through measurements and as we waited for the doctor too.  He was pretty happy for most of his appointment and really didn't lose it until it was times for labs. We stood in line, waiting to check in, and he looked at me with tear-filled eyes, and said, "Pwease, Mama.  No more dah-ters." (doctors) Knife to the heart.  Ugh. He screamed through his labs but you know, get blood drawn is not fun.  He recovered pretty quickly and we got a milk shake (from Winstead's - tradition) but he fell asleep after eating a couple fries and slept all the way home. His doctor is moving to a new Children's Mercy clinic so we're switching locations in January but this one is close to a good mall and near the other Winstead's so it's a win-win!  Dillon's having a strange fallout from his appointment.  He is convinced his arm still hurts from the blood draw.  It doesn't.  We've seen him playing normally when he forgets about it.  But if he wears short sleeves, he sees the leftover sticky stuff from the bandaid and sobs and holds his arm.  We were getting pretty irritated at the over-reaction until he said to Brian, "I see it.  The bandaid hurt.  I need a new shirt so I no see it."  We both almost cried.  He sees the bandaid sticky stuff and is reminded of how he was scared and it hurt and it's too much.  Next time I'm going to ask if they have gauze and a wrap so he doesn't have to use a bandaid at all.  I'll probably just bring some along to be safe. We figure we could tell him to just suck it up or, since he deals with meds and shots every single say, we could make blood draws a little less stressful. I think he's earned that.